All of my life I felt like I had this strong, powerful goddess inside. Unfortunately, I lived more like a wounded animal. Afraid of speaking my truth because it might hurt someone's feelings or get me into trouble. Afraid to be bold and daring because, what if I fail? What if I'm a fraud? What if I'm not any good at any of it? What if?
It's no surprise then that my initial vision for Waking Aphrodite was all about reinvention - getting as far away from what I saw in the mirror and what I felt inside, believing there was nothing worth keeping.
What I learned over that year is that it's not about reinventing, it's about remembering.
The remembering comes from the core of your being. It's the whisper that says you are worthy and capable of more. It's the "jealousy" you feel when you see someone living your best life.
About jealousy, Author, Playwright and Filmmaker Julia Cameron wrote, "Jealousy is a map. Each of our jealousy maps differs. Each of us will probably be surprised by some of the things we discover on our own. I, for example, have never been eaten alive over the success of women novelists. But I took an unhealthy interest in the fortunes-- and misfortunes-- of women playwrights. I was their harshest critic... until I wrote my first play."
"With that action, my jealousy vanished, replaced by a feeling of camaraderie. My jealousy had actually been a mask for my fear of doing something I really wanted to do but was not yet brave enough to take action toward."
So, here I am again after this long winter of Covid. Afraid the strides I made launching Waking Aphrodite on January 11, 2020 are gone forever. I'm now heavier than I've ever been, older, having to rebuild my life after losing everything and still not quite sure that I'm not a fraud, or that there is more and better for me.
So, I'll hang on to that whisper, and I'll navigate my way through the fear trusting that what lies on the other side is the reflection I saw as I conducted my very first workshop.
The woman who felt like she was finally living her dream.